Baby, Can We Work It Out?

The other day I posted a status on Facebook asking the question, "Why can't anyone stay together anymore?"

I got many responses that were very on point! Some thought the other comments to be very judgmental and harsh.

The fact is, whether you've experienced divorce first hand or you haven't, it affects us all in some way. If it's you, your parents, a friend, an acquaintance, a celebrity, or someone who is a friend of a friend of a brother's cousin (!)...divorce pricks the very fiber of our human make up.

WHY?!

Because God, the Creator, made us in His image. 

Of all the comments I received on my status, there was one common denominator that echoed again and again. 

"Commitment"

(or lack thereof)

In scripture it's referred to as a "covenant" and God is all about covenant. The word covenant in the English dictionary is described as "a formal and serious agreement or promise...a formal written agreement between two or more people, businesses, countries, etc."

The Strong's Concordance (Hebrew) gives this definition:

H1285: bĕriyth - Covenant, alliance, agreement

Anytime you use the Strong's to search the meaning of a 

word, it's also important to look at the root of that word. The root word in this case is:

H1254: bara' - To create, shape, or form something new

This refers back to when YHWH says that marriage is a bond where two different people are made into one flesh (Gen. 2:24), the creation of a new person. 

To me, this implies that you are no longer your own person. Sure, you still have your own personality, your own identity, but you now take on the personality and identity of another human being as well. You no longer think and do just for yourself. You mold and shape and create yourself into this new and wonderful person that matches, compliments, and completes the other. A better version of yourself. At least...that's the idea.

Here are a few scriptures explaining how YHWH views covenant:

Covenant is forever!

He hath remembered his covenant for ever, the word [which] he commanded to a thousand generations. (Psalm 105:8 - KJV)

And the bow (after the flood) shall be in the cloud; and I will look upon it, that I may remember the everlasting covenant between God and every living creature of all flesh that is upon the earth. (Gen. 9:16 - KJV)

And I will establish my covenant between me and thee and thy seed after thee in their generations for an everlasting covenant, to be a God unto thee, and to thy seed after thee. (Gen. 17:7 - KJV)

Covenant is serious.

When you make a promise to God, don't delay in following through, for God takes no pleasure in fools. Keep all the promises you make to him. (Ecclesiastes 5:4 - NLV)

Moses spoke to the heads of the tribes of the people of Israel, saying, “This is what the Lord has commanded. If a man vows a vow to the Lord, or swears an oath to bind himself by a pledge, he shall not break his word. He shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth. (Num. 30:1-2 - ESV)

It is better not to make a vow than to make one and not fulfill it. (Ecclesiastes 5:5  - NIV)

Covenant is protection and blessing.

Especially for women. YHWH made it so that if a woman was

barren, or widowed, or if she made an unwise vow to another person, there was protection within the covenant of marriage. YHWH even promises to take care of a woman if she is left destitute by the husband who decided not to fulfill his promise to her...which is, sadly, what we see in most cases today. 

But if, on the day that her husband comes to hear of it, he opposes her, then he makes void her vow that was on her, and the thoughtless utterance of her lips by which she bound herself. And the Lord will forgive her. (Num. 30:8 - ESV)

I will bless those who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you. (Gen. 12:3 - NIV)

Her children stand and bless her. Her husband praises her. (Prov. 31:28 - ESV)

Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation. (Psalm 68:5)

For your husband is your Maker, Whose name is the LORD of hosts; And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel, Who is called the God of all the earth. For the LORD has called you, Like a wife forsaken and grieved in spirit, Even like a wife of one's youth when she is rejected. (Isaiah 54:5-6 - NIV)

I believe, in cases where this last scripture is relevant (for both men and women), that divorce is also the way to peace. Like Paul says in the New Testament: 

But if the husband or wife who isn't a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases the Christian husband or wife is no longer bound to the other, for God has called you to live in peace. (1st Corinthians 7:15 - NLV)

In all other cases, I believe the root of the problem is a lack of understanding and/or desire to fulfill covenant. Not just the promise to stay married, but all the other promises one makes on their wedding day.

To love, honor, and cherish. In sickness and in health. For richer or for poorer. Fidelity and faithfulness. Serve and provide. Submit and respect. All of the vows we recite in front of countless witnesses are broken when we decide that...in the end...it's not worth it. 

I believe there are biblical grounds for divorce, but they are very few. As Yeshua (Jesus) states in Matthew 19:8:

Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. (NIV)

Because their hearts were hard.

Stubbornness, pride, greed, anger, jealousy, deceit, infidelity, lust...

Marriage is a battle and we have to be willing to fight against these things and fight for honor, righteousness, integrity, and covenant!

If we don't, what do we leave for our children? 

Kris and I both came into our marriage hoping not to perpetuate the generations of divorced couples that permeated our family tree. Fully in love throughout the "courtship" phase, we began tossing around the big "D" only a month after we were married. We expected to mold and shape and create each other into who we wanted them to be instead of forming one, new, incredible person that God could work through to bring Himself glory. It took realizing the concept of covenant from God's perspective to truly understand what marriage is about.

But we couldn't stand each other! Now what? Do we just stay stuck in an unfulfilled marriage that we are both miserable in? I began to understand the concept of "true love" after I read Ezekial 16 where God tells of His relentless unconditional love for His unfaithful wife (Israel).

The heart wrenching account goes through how God chose her, loved her with everything He had, cared for her, provided for her, and made a covenant with her, a woman who was broken and imperfect (much like us all):

(I) declared my marriage vows. I made a covenant with you, says the Sovereign Lord, and you became mine. (vs. 8)

He lavished her with affection, love, material possessions, and a royal crown to boot! But she became selfish, prideful, distant, and everything else that can rip a marriage apart. She left, and looked for "love" in any place that would make her feel "happy". She completely turned her back on the One who loved her more than anything. But He fought for her. He never gave up. In the end He says:

Yet I will remember the covenant I made with you when you were young, and I will establish an everlasting covenant with you. (vs. 60)

When I read this, I couldn't help but see the correlation these passages had with our relationship to God, and realized:

If God is determined to fight for His relationship with us and keep His covenant despite all I have done in rejecting His love, what right do I have to give up and break the covenant I made with my husband who God has called me to love, honor, and cherish for the rest of my life?! God never gives up on me, so how can I give up on my marriage?!

Kris and I will never claim that we've got it all figured out! Heck, we've only been married 5 1/2 years! But we have determined not only to stay married, but to have a happy marriage. And happiness doesn't come free! It takes work to pursue what makes you happy. And that's what God implies when He says:

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. (Gen. 2:24 - KJV)

H1692: dabaq - To cling to; join to; stay with; pursue closely

We have to pursue marriage just like we did our "courtship". While you and your spouse were in that stage, you were willing to do whatever it took to show your love to them, and likewise, you were willing to fight for the love you shared. 

As people change and grow through marriage, the relationship has to change and grow as well. But the diligence has to be just as passionate. We have to change and grow together, as one active body! Unity within a relationship is immeasurably valuable! Communication, honesty, integrity...everything we value in others, we also must strive for in our marriages. We must strive to (first) understand and (next) to carry out those things which are vital to the concept of covenant. For our marriage and for the perspective our children will one day have about marriage! As YHWH, the everlasting covenant keeper, says:

Remember his covenant forever, the promise he made, for a thousand generations. (1st Corinthians 16:15 - NLV)